Friendships

When you’re growing up you don’t realize how different your life my be when you’re an adult. I definitely wasn’t miss popular, but most people knew me because I grew up in a small town, and most people knew my parents or my family. I had friends growing, here and there. But meet my best friends the year of 8th grade. We were friends all through high school and a few of us were still pretty close after we graduated.

But as the years go on and you get older, people move on with their lives. Building families, starting careers or college, move away, etc. We all fell in love and life started to get in the way. We had kids or health issues and eventually stopped talking as much.

Now, the only interaction with adults I get, besides ranting to my husband, is when I’m at work or on social media. Which to be fair, who knows if it’s actually adults or children prentending.

It’s lonely as an adult. Especially for someone who doesn’t have any siblings, one dead parent, and the other parent over 1200 miles away and we barely speak. I have no true friends, just people in passing really. Coworkers, distant family members, doctors. Those aren’t people you usually invite to your house to hangout or whatever.

So, how do you meet friends as an adult?? I’m lost. I haven’t really “made” friends in at least 15 years!

Future Me

Daily writing prompt

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

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This one is hard for me, because honestly, I have no idea. In ten years, i will be almost 43 with a 19 year old son, an 18 year old daughter and a 14 year old daughter. I’m just now starting to finally understand myself better. Learning who I am every day. In ten years there is no telling what could be going on in our lives for me to make this assumption.

I will say I would like to have been in college at least four years by then. Be working with animals in any way I can, hopefully in a way to make their futures better and to increase species instead of them continuing to decrease. I will hopefully have a better relationship with my father by then, and possibly his new soon to be wife. I want to be in a better place finacially by then. Absolutely. I’ve been working on that lately already. We are finally in a place where I can put money back for saving because we are actually living paycheck to paycheck. Most people say those words but what they actually mean is the check runs out a few days before pay day and they are scrubbing to get by. Trust me, I know what they mean. I’ve been in that position the majority of my life, and I can tell you that right now is the only time our checks have actually lasted past the next payday. I see myself driving my 14 year old around everywhere so she can hangout with friends. Haha. I don’t know, it’s a while from now and it’s honestly hard to see anything. It’s too soon to tell, I guess.

POV: Henry

😍

Hi! My name is Henry. I am 50% dalmatian and 50% standard poodle. Also known as a dalmadoodle. I am a little over 4 months old. My mommy’s therapist said she needed a companion for emotional support when my mommy is feeling lonely because of the level of distress it causes her. I am the bestest boy for my mommy. I listen almost every time. She gives me tons of treats and puzzles to keep my brain and mind sharp. She’s taught me lots of things like how to sit, shake, lay, and jump. She’s taught me that my kennel is a safe place open any time. I’m learning that truck rides are so much fun and full of adventure. My brothers and sisters (3 humans, 2 cats) are my very best friends. Although, one brother and one sister don’t really care for me and swat at me when I walk by, but I love them anyway and am always ready to play! My daddy gives the best tummy rubs and can throw my toys the furthest, which I love. It always gives me the zoomies after.

I know I can never replace the ones before me, but I hope they know that I’m doing my absolute best to make them all smile.

Happy Little Things

Daily writing prompt

What are 5 everyday things that bring you happiness?

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My family. My husband, my children, my daddy, my siblings-in-law, my mother-in-law, all of them. I don’t know where I’d be without any of them. They fill my life with so many emotions, but happiness is the biggest one.

My pets, and all animals really. My sweet Henry (Dalmadoodle), my Ali cat (shorthair tabby, Alice), and my Sonny boy (shorthair orange tabby). They are just like my children. I spoil them just as often. Toys, treats, games, switch up their foods so they have variety. I also have several birdfeeders around my home because I absolutely love birding, and watching any animal in my yard really. Or just going out with my camera to see what I can find, even the smallest of cool creatures.

God and Jesus. It brings me happiness to know I always have someone on my side. Someone I can talk to about my feelings, the worries on my mind, ask for help when I don’t know where to turn. Because of You and the strength You give me, I have not given up on this life. I have pushed through all of my demons and continue to shine with You by my side.

Helping anyone any chance I can. I may not always be able to help anyone with money issues, but I will try. I will help in any way I can, even if it’s just something as small as grabbing someone a coffee when they don’t have any money. It’s not hard to make someone’s day and it usually starts with a smile.

Busy work. I know that sounds crazy and you’re probably thinking, “Kris, really? Who get happy with busy work??” I do! I like cleaning, and organizing and stocking. I like errands and making lists to check them off. Now that I know more about myself, it all makes sense. So I give in to those cleaning desires, because why put myself through the distress of just not cleaning it when it is in no way at all hurting anybody that I wipe my white walls clean 12 times a day and clean my bathroom 4 times. It’s not hurting anybody and my house looks and smells nice. So, I indulge in the things I like. And that brings me joy. because at the end of the day, I feel accomplished, the house smells nice, my chores are done, and I’ll sleep like a newborn after all that work.

These are only 5 things that bring me happiness, of course there are plenty more. But those are for a different day.

Did we have any of the same answers? If so, which ones? What brings you happiness?

Unique Aspects

Which aspects do you think makes a person unique?

Honestly, I don’t think there is anything specific when it comes to uniqueness. Literally every person is different. I believe that everyone is unique, weird, and crazy in their own way, because who can really say what normal is.

I guess, to answer the question, I would say that personality is what makes everyone unique.

Sad Realities

Daily writing prompt

When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?

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When I was five years old I wanted to be a veterinarian. I’ve always had a soft spot for animals. Animals of any kind, I’ve always loved them all. Now that I’m older, I have changed my mind about that. I do still want to work with animals, any way I can. But I do not want to be a vet anymore. I honestly don’t care for how their businesses run. Vets and animal hospitals will literally turn animals away if you can not pay up front, which is wild to me. I would never want to turn any animal away.

Last year our family dog of 8 years became extremely sick all of a sudden. He was coughing, throwing up blood and shaking. We went to FIVE different locations trying to get help for him. No one would see us because we didn’t qualify for care credit, we didn’t have any money up front, and we didn’t have pet insurance. Our sweet boy was literally throwing up blood on the floors of their waiting rooms. They could see that he needed immediate help, but since we had no money right then, they all turned us away with a simple “sorry.” We finally had to ask someone to loan us the money until payday. $500.00. $500 is what they wanted up front just to even look at him. That didn’t even cover anything else. $500 and 20 minutes later we learned that his condition was too serious and he would more than likely not make it through any of the surgeries, and having him put to sleep would be the best route to go.

What a horrible experience to have to go through as pet owner. Just terrible. I never want to have to be in that position where I have to turn people and their pets away because of money.

I want to do the opposite and help as many animals as I can without having to answer to insurance bills and what not. I want to change the way people view animals. Most people look at them as just that, animals. When in reality, they are so much more. Without those animals we would have nothing.

Maybe one day the standard for that will change. I have my fingers crossed that it will. If you ask me, there should be free vet clinics in every town so that low income people can still take proper care of their furbabies. Because in this day and age, too many folks are quick to jump up and say “you don’t deserve a pet if you can’t take care of it!” But what a lot of those people don’t realize is that the people they are usually saying that to, can’t even afford healthcare for themselves. So, since the goverment fails us, we don’t deserve to be loved by any pets either? That’s just wild to me. Do better people.

My Health Journey

I’ve been on a journey this past year with my mental health and physical health. I’ve been seeing doctor after doctor and I’ve had appointment aftere appointment. But I’ve finally gotten some answers about myself.

For years I have thought something was wrong with me. I thought I was crazy or had others think I was crazy. I’ve done certain things a certain way for the majority of my life. I say things a way and I collect random stuff.

I have been diagnosed with OCD, MDD, and Generalized Anxiety. I’ve known about the MDD and GAD. But learning about my OCD has opened so many things up for me. I finally can understand why I do things the way I do or why I have certain fears, or my hoarding obsessions.

I am finally starting to feel like myself again. I have learned to embrace the parts of my OCD that do not cause me distress, but satisfy my OCD needs. Like cleaning, organizing, and collecting of useful items.

but I have learned that OCD is about more than just cleaniness and organizing. It is so much more. So many things about myslef that I didn’t understand have been answered by just getting disgnosed. I have learned so much about myself and why I do things the way I do.

I will say the biggest influence on your outcome is yourself. I pushed to have all these things done myself. I self recommended my behavorial health assessments. I self recommended my therapist and I also self recommended an emotional support animal for myself because I have more MDD episodes when I’m alone. Which the doctor was impressed that I did it myself, and after his testing and evaluations, I got approved for my sweet Henry boy to be my ESA.

Soon I will be starting OCD therapy to be able to cope or overcome the anxiety or distress that certain circumstances give me. I told my doctor that I wanted to do the therapy first to see how things go before we try any medications for the OCD. I have an extremely low tolerance for medications. I take Lexapro for anxiety and depression, but because of my tolerance I can only take 2.5mg a day. I’ve had severe reactions to other medications we’ve tried. One was so bad the nurse line nurse made me go in because she thought I was having a heart attack!

All in all, my progress is amazing and I thank my husband for everything he has done. He has been my rock through all of this and continues to push me to better myself and get the things I need to help myself. I haven’t felt this good in a while and I owe it all to my husband and my amazing doctor team!

Just wanted to share my story with you all in hopes that it gives you the courage to advocate for yourselves! Only you can truly know what is going on within your body. Don’t settle!

Passtime Activities

What activities do you lose yourself in?

When I get the chance to, I always lose myself in a good book. I haven’t had much time here recently between doctors appointments, work and the kiddos. But when I do, it usually sucks me in.

I can lose myself in the art of baking or cooking. I just get right in my zone and whip stuff up! I enjoy it so much. Turn up some tunes and start slicing and dicing!

Travel around for photos of wildlife or nature. I could literally do this for hours, if we can afford the gas and have the time for it. I could drive around for hours just looking for little critters or birds or water fowl or anything beautiful and natural just praying for a chance at one good shot with my camera.

This last one kind of falls in the same category as the last block of this blog, but standing at my back kitchen door watching all the birds at my feeders. I could do this for hours with or without my camera, and have on days where I went to work a couple hours after the kiddos went to school. I love watching them land in the tree near my feeders and look around while they inch closer and closer to grab a bite. I have gotten several photos I’d love to show with you all. I’ll have to make a separate post for that.

Me-Time Wishes

What do you wish you could do more of every day?

I wish I had more time in my days to spend reading. I love to read my books, and collect books for my shelves. I’ve got way more books than I have had a chance to read here lately.

I also wish I had more time to blog on here. It really helps me mentally to be able to get out some feelings in these posts.

Having more time and great weather for traveling and getting shots of animals and nature with my camera would be amazing, too. I send so much time working and cleaning and doctors appointments. I barely have time to do the things I enjoy.

Coping Strategies

What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?

As of right now, I take medication to help ease those feelings away. Or at least lower them so I can still function. I’m also in two different types of therapy. Both of whichare helping me to learn to cope with my feelings.

Every day I feel like I am learning something new about myself. I have started to finally bloom into the woman I believe I am supposed to be. I feel my confidence rise more and more each day, my courage is baby stepping for me, it’s just been amazing.

I don’t know if this will help anyone else or not, but I want you to know you are not alone. You are seen. For the longest time now, I’ve felt like I was slowly going crazy. Like something was seriously wrong with me. I didn’t feel like myself, look like myself. None of that. I pushed people away and closed myself off. I couldn’t figure out what was going on with me. Or why I was the way I was. I have finally had the chance to get seen regularly by doctors for the last 2 years at least. I have some answers to some of my questions about myself, FINALLY! Now that I know what is going on, I feel a little free. Kind of, in a way of speaking. I don’t feel trapped behind it anymore. They have names and I have ways to knock them out each day now.

I am slowly getting there, because we are all a work in progress. But it is so rewarding at the end of each day to lay in my bed and finally feel like I am getting to know myself again. It’s amazing how much that can change your life.