a small town girl living in a groggy world.
What is your middle name? Does it carry any special meaning/significance?
My middle name was my maternal grandmother’s second middle name. Her name was Nellie Shirley Ann M. My whole name is someone else’s. I’m named after my maternal Uncle, my dad, and my maternal grandmother.
I passed Ann onto our first daughter as a second middle name like my grandmother. McKenna Ann. Our youngest got my paternal grandmother’s and my husband’s mother’s middle name as her middle name, Marie.
Who are the biggest influences in your life?
Influences come in different shapes, sizes, and with different intent behind them. As most humans do, we try to focus on the good ones. But then we lose track of the ones that are not so good. Today I will be focusing on the good influences in my life because I’ve had enough bad for this new year already.
My children are a big influence in my life. They influence me to be better. A better person, a better mom, better in everything I do. Just knowing they depend on me so much has pushed me to be the person they need. And I don’t just mean as a parent. I try to be the person they need. The person I needed when I was there age. Which, in reality, that person for me was my maternal grandmother. But I lost her too soon.
My mother in law is probably closest to the top of influences in my life. I aspire to be like her. To always be kind hearted and to try my best. Her advice saves me most days from myself. Without her, I don’t know who I would be today. I lost my mother almost 5 years ago, I completely fell apart. My husband tried his best to be what I needed, but she picked me up and carried me through. I guess I really needed the motherly part more than anything. She will never understand just how much she means to me.
My husband is a major influence in my life. He pushes me to push myself. To push past my fears and keep going. To do the things my heart cries for, but my anxiety paralyzes. To chase my dreams and shoot for the stars. I undoubtedly ground myself in everyway thanks to my brain, but he helps me daydream. It truly is a blessing to have him.
Who influences you in everyday life, and how does it make you feel about them?
What are your favorite types of foods?
I love food. I have an obsession with food so I have to really discipline myself or I would just constantly binge eat.
Spanish food is probably my number one favorite. I put salsa or hot sauce on almost everything. The spices and cheeses and flavors just hit me the right way. I could literally eat it multiple times a week.
I love Lo Mein and fried rice. I would just say Chinese but I’m pretty basic on that with just the rice, noodles and some chicken with veggies. Haha!
I love pasta dishes as well. Definitely in my top 3. Leaning more towards cheesy pasta dishes over marinara dishes. I get heartburn sometimes from the tomato acid.
I love to cook and bake. It’s one of my favorite things to do. I love to create meals for my family. Or share my food with others. It doesn’t always look the best, but it has a pretty darn delicious bite.
I’ll share some photos I’ve gotten of some of the meals and desserts I’ve made.
Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.
The last few years have been extremely rough for me. Emotionally. It started when I lost my mother in 2021. My health started to decline because I neglected myself. I took to the bottle to cope. I almost destroyed my liver in under a year and a half. Losing my mother was extremely hard, even though we didn’t have the best relationship. I wish it had had the chance to blossom into a beautiful friendship. But I lost her too soon.
Soon after the liver scare, I started to learn a lot more about myself. With the help of some great doctors, I was able to get some answers to why I am the way I am. I lost a few more relatives along the way.
We ended up having to move out of the house we were in and moved back to my hometown. Everything changed in the blink of an eye. I’m older now, and living in the place I never knew I needed to get away from until I had to come back.
It’s hard being here. My mother is gone, I have no true friends from my hometown. Yeah, I might chit chat with a friend through comments on social media, but no true friends. Other than my husband, no one really knows me.
Now my father has colon cancer. He’s been battling it for some time now, doing chemo. We had planned to move back, but he asked me to be his support through chemo. So we stayed. I couldn’t live with the intrusive thoughts of telling my own father no and leaving him alone. I already have guilt over my mother.
But living here makes me feel trapped. The pay isn’t great around here, it’s become over populated, and the crime rates have skyrocketed.
Our children love spending time with their papaw, but this isn’t home anymore. They miss their friends and their school. Our community.
I know my mental health has not been ideal the last few months. I should be on medication, but I can’t afford insurance right now. It’s a constant battle in every aspect of my life right now and I’m just trying to survive.
Music has become an outlet for me. I’ve realized that no matter what mood I’m in, music is always there for me. It’s like it can subdue the energy and moods I’m experiencing and drag my head space out of it. Kind of like a release of some sort. I honestly don’t know any better way to explain it. It’s nice to have though because most days, I feel like no one else in this world is in my corner. Especially here, in my hometown. I have just always felt like I didn’t belong here. Like my home is somewhere else, away from here, and I’ll know exactly where it is once I’m there.
I’m not sure if that will always be where our last home was, but I know in my heart, that that is home right now. Where I belong. Where I’m welcomed. Where I am loved.
i just.. wish life was a little easier sometimes. Trying to juggle my brain along with working full time, my children and my husband, pets, my father and my heart, I am exhausted.
I’m desperately trying to keep my faith strong, but it slips away a little more each day.
Huntrix from KPOP Demon Hunters
Nothing but the truth now
Nothing but the proof of what I am
The worst of what I came from, patterns I’m ashamed of
Things that even I don’t understand
I tried to fix it, I tried to fight it
My head was twisted, my heart divided
My lies all collided
I don’t know why I didn’t trust you to be on my side
I broke into a million pieces, and I can’t go back
But now I’m seeing all the beauty in the broken glass
The scars are part of me, darkness and harmony
My voice without the lies, this is what it sounds like
Why did I cover up the colors stuck inside my head?
I should’ve let the jagged edges meet the light instead
Show me what’s underneath, I’ll find your harmony
The song we couldn’t write, this is what it sounds like
We’re shattering the silence, we’re rising, defiant
Shouting in the quiet, “You’re not alone”
We listened to the demons, we let them get between us
But none of us are out here on our own
So we were cowards, so we were liars
So we’re not heroes, we’re still survivors
The dreamers, the fighters, no lying, I’m tired
But dive in the fire, and I’ll be right here by your side
We broke into a million pieces, and we can’t go back
But now we’re seeing all the beauty in the broken glass
The scars are part of me, darkness and harmony
My voice without the lies, this is what it sounds like (ah)
Why did we cover up the colors stuck inside our head?
Get up and let the jagged edges meet the light instead
Show me what’s underneath, I’ll find your harmony
Fearless and undefined, this is what it sounds like
This is what it sounds like
Hey! (Oh-oh, oh-oh), hey! (Oh-oh)
This is what it sounds like
Hey! (Oh-oh, oh-oh), hey! (Oh-oh)
This is what it sounds like
Hey! (Oh-oh), hey! (Oh-oh)
This is what it (sounds like), this is what it
This is what it sounds like
We broke into a million pieces, and we can’t go back
But now I’m seeing all the beauty in the broken glass
The scars are part of me, darkness and harmony
My voice without the lies, this is what it sounds like
Why did we cover up the colors stuck inside our head?
Get up and let the jagged edges meet the light instead
Show me what’s underneath, I’ll find your harmony
Fearless and undefined, this is what it sounds like
My voice without the lies, this is what it sounds like (between, ah)
Fearless and undefined, this is what it sounds like
Truth after all this time, our voices all combined
When darkness meets the light, this is what it sounds like
Honestly, I never thought how much I would relate to a kid’s animated movie. The music in this particular movie is astounding. The song above is the one I related to more than any other. I felt seen hearing it. I feel like I’ve spent most of my life thus far hiding certain portions of myself to please others around me. I’ve spent probably more of my lifetime being judged by people that should’ve just been on my side. But no, I was looked down on, even as a child. The product of a “be seen, not heard” raising. Every decision was made for me pretty much, which made it hard for me to make decisions on my own as an adult. Honestly, it made it hard for me to feel like an adult until a couple years ago. It took me moving away from everyone and still trying to break those walls for two years before I could attempt to start to feel like an actual adult. Spending most of my teenage years hiding and lying about things about myself. Why? Because my parents and immediate family members were too worried about what the rest of the family would think.
When you’re growing up you don’t realize how different your life may be when you’re an adult. I definitely wasn’t miss popular, but most people knew me because I grew up in a small town, and most people knew my parents or my family. I had friends growing up, here and there. But met my best friends the year of 8th grade. We were friends all through high school and a few of us were still pretty close after we graduated.
But as the years go on and you get older, people move on with their lives. Building families, starting careers or college, move away, etc. We all fell in love and life started to get in the way. We had kids or health issues and eventually stopped talking as much.
Now, the only interaction with adults I get, besides ranting to my husband, is when I’m at work or on social media. Which to be fair, who knows if it’s actually adults or children pretending.
It’s lonely as an adult. Especially for someone who doesn’t have any siblings, one dead parent, and the other parent over 1200 miles away and we barely speak. I have no true friends, just people in passing really. Coworkers, distant family members, doctors. Those aren’t people you usually invite to your house to hangout or whatever.
So, how do you meet friends as an adult?? I’m lost. I haven’t really “made” friends in at least 15 years!
Being me is no fun walk in the park, I can tell you that. My body and mind challenge me everyday. Make me doubt myself, and call myself names. I struggle most days to even make it half way through without calling myself a failure. With everything I’ve been diagnosed with recently, I feel like a crazy person sometimes. Like how can I possibly manage it all at once? Along with a job, three children, a husband who works two jobs, pets, a home, plants… UGH! It’s soo much.
I hate that when I’m not taking my medication I feel lonely and depressed, and like a big ole loser who no one wants to be around. I push people away while also wanting them to understand my pain and to please stay. When I’m on my medication those feelings are way less strong, but my medication messes with other parts of my body. Making me feel like I might be in danger of illness or diesease or something worse. It’s just so back and forth.
How do you relax?
Honestly, I’m not sure I really know how. My husband says that all the time, practically the whole we’ve been together. I have a hard time sitting still. I have to be doing something. I need to feel productive, I guess. It’s probably my OCD helping me feel that way. It’s a constant struggle, I swear.
Defeated. I feel knocked down. Like the weight of the world are on my shoulders, pushing me to the ground. I can barely catch my breath as I try to lift this weight. But it might be too much this time.
It feels as though our lives are crumbling beneath my feet. Everything we’ve been working so hard for is being taken away. And honestly, it’s not anyone’s fault. Just beginners. New to the game and had a setback. but now we are paying for it.
The decisions at hand feel far too heavy and I’m not sure what to hold on to. My head is spinning, my eyes filling with tears at just the thought. How will this affect our kids? Having to pack up evertyhing again. Say goodbye to their friends and our family again. Feeling that heartache of leaving.
If you say prayers, please say one for our family. If you only pass good vibes, would you sure? Or even just think of us and maybe wish for us to find our way. Any support is appreciated. Because I’m feeling so defeated.
This is a tough one because I haven’t been to that many restaurants. I mean, yes we do go out sometimes. But we live in an area where there aren’t too many options. And I’ve been pretty poor my whole life, so I haven’t been to anything super fancy. If I have, it must have been terrible, because I don’t remember the experience.
As for the answer to the question, out of the restaurants I have been to, I think my choice would have to be a little Chinese restaurant back home in Georgia called SoHo. It was soo good. And always so fresh and hot! Reasonable priced as well.
We’ll have to take more adventures out dining, and I’ll get back to you guys with a number 2 favorite restaurant. What’s your favorite restaurant?
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