Approaching Self-Care w/ Crippling Anxiety

Describe one positive change you have made in your life.

I’ve made a few positive changes in my life so far this year. Which is a huge accomplishment for me since the last couple of years have been tough, but I’ve tried my best to be strong and keep going.

My health has never really scared me until recently. I was feeling badly, I had a horrible toothache, and it was not getting better. So, I got myself into the hospital to get antibiotics. Then, I made an appointment with a primary doctor, which was a huge step for me because I have crippling anxiety, and I hadn’t been to a primary doctor in around 14 years. Now I’m seeing my doctor regularly, and I’m on medication for my anxiety.

Getting my health into check has opened my eyes more to take care of myself also. I’m not just a mother or a wife or a co-worker, I’m a woman. A woman who needs to take a minute to take care of herself while she’s taking care of everyone else. I’m forever grateful to my husband for being there for me every step of the way. He has been absolutely amazing.

The Best Boy

From the moment we saw you, we knew you were part of our family. You were the tiniest one of all, the little runt. Also, the only white puppy.

You had the cutest dark mask on your face. Giving us the idea to call you Bane.

You were such a good puppy. You loved to play and run. You really didn’t care to chew on toys or sticks. Or anything for that matter. You were always so happy to see us.

As you grew, you were just the most handsome boy. You’re mask started to get lighter and lighter as you grew, too.

You have been through so much with us. But you were always the best boy.

You’ve been apart of our family now for 8 years, and it wouldn’t have been the same without you.

We love you so much, Bane. You are the best boy.

Rest in peace my darling.

Feb. 22, 2015 – Feb. 22, 2023

All the Moments

“Do you guys have to leave? I’ll miss you while you’re gone.”

Being a parent is one of the most important, but exhausting roles to be done. It is rewarding while it is also discouraging. Some days you feel like the best parent in the world, while others you feel like everything is just all wrong.

Each day is a giant step when being parent. It pushes you to your breaking points and tests the limits of your anxiety and stress. Boundaries are nonexistent, arguments are abundant, and messes are expected.

Nothing is ever fair in my home, apparently. According to my children, anyway. It feels like a constant battle every day.

Most days are very rewarding with little adventures, story times, popcorn and a movie, making brunch together, big hugs, and sweet kisses. The good days outshine every second of the yucky ones.

All of it becomes do overwhelming some days though and you feel as though you could break. But then all of sudden, everything stops when you hear “I love you mommy.”

Recently my husband and I had planned a date night and had told our kids about it. We had finished up work and picked them up from school reminding them about our date. While finding dinner for their grandmother to make them, my oldest comes up to me with tears in his eye and says, “do you guys have to leave? I’ll miss you while you’re gone.” Then my middle daughter said “I’ll miss you mommy.” While my youngest daughter is hugging my leg crying. My heart burst straight open and I started to cry. I had a rush of emotions that maybe we were doing something right with them and they do love me. Some days are very hard and you begin to question how much they love you.

In that moment though, it all melted away. All the second guesses about myself, all the nights worrying if I had been a good enough mother that day. Everything seemed to fall into place and I felt like I was doing right by them somewhere. It is such a rewarding feeling every time it happens.

Those are the moments that make it all worth it at the end of each day.

Hurt

I hate the constant feeling of being hated. Like unwanted here, and not just for me, but my husband and children. Most days it feels like no one wants us around and that really hurts my feelings. My children do have some behavioral issues that they are working on with professionals and I can understand that they can get overwhelming sometimes, but to act like you don’t want us around or you don’t want to be around because we are here..? That hurts, a lot. Makes me feel unwanted by more people than loved. And I hate that feeling.

I hate feeling like someone is constantly mad at me or my family for something. Big or small, which it usually is over something super small or something one of my three children did. Which drives me nuts, they are just children. They are still learning and developing while trying to play and grow.

It’s so frustrating to have to feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells when you are “home.” Trying your best not to piss anyone off or let the kids get too loud because they want it super quiet in the house. Being constantly reminded that it’s their house.

It gives you a feeling that you don’t belong anywhere. Because you got most of those same feelings from other places you’ve lived also.

The ache from wanting somewhere you can actually call home without the constant worry of pissing off others by just existing or worrying that it’s going to get ripped away from you again and you end up in the same situation. Struggling is so hard. It’s a raw pain of tangling tension that’s bursting with stress filled anxiety attacks.

It causes strain on relationships and starts to fill people with hatred for others. Which is nothing anyone wants, these people are your family, the people you are supposed to count on. No one wants to fight with family. Or feel any less loved by family because of situations that put strain on everyone.

How many others are barely making it by living paycheck to paycheck, if that, and because of COVID had to double up with family members? There’s problem quite a few. Now I wonder the percentage of those people who didn’t end up fighting or arguing before they got back on their feet and found their own place. Probably not too many. I’d say if the time it took to get back on their feet was less than 4 months, their relationship was probably never under attack by strain and stress.

Either way, it’s an awful situation for people to be in and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.